May 19, 2013

Stay-at-home mom


I should tattoo this in my front. 

So... I should have written this some time ago but who cares. Here it goes: since January I'm a stay-at-home mom.

After 2 exhausting years with pain, hundred hours of physiotherapy, a surgery, an unexpected pregnancy and a super colicky baby with reflux, in November 2012 I was feeling drained.

I felt miserable, I should spell it with huge black block letters. Nothing made sense. I had been remotely working in my company in Spain, I loved my job but hated working from home. Going back to Spain didn't look like a short or mid term option and I could not see myself working from home with the little beast and travelling every month like I used to.

Day care didn't make sense either it was more expensive than what I was making in my job (swiss prices, love them).

The swiss adventure was supposed to be a 3 year experience and then back home. But life goes on and everything changed and my whole body was telling me I needed to move on and bring everything together. I decided to quit my job.

In case you don't know  it by MY I mean that my family name is on the door and my heart inside the office. I spent 8 years growing as a professional and an individual working in a project I felt (and to a certain point was) mine. I even managed to work for my father (not easy) without bringing the work crap back home.

Being with Lluc is exhausting, fun, boring and exciting all at the same time but if I've learnt something these months, is that I have a serious problem enjoying what I have, when I have it.

I miss working but to be honest going back to work now would not be a 100% voluntarily decision. I'm still fighting with ideas like:
1. If you don't get paid for it, its not a job.
2. You are what you do for a living: a doctor, a carpenter...
3. I'm doing nothing right now.... who and what am I?! (at 32 years old, really????)

I'm wired this way, my brain knows those ideas are wrong, mean and simplistic but they have been guiding my decisions since... I guess always. I don't blame many of those decisions but it doesn't feel good to realist your inner compass may be working entirely for you.

So, that's my homework for this year. Make myself free from all those "I should" "they expect from me"....I'm leaning back to take out my garbage, then I'll know that no matter what I choose, lean in or lean back, it will be my own decision.

Still, doing this, at home, taking care of my almost 10 months old son as a main job when half of the women in the north hemisphere and leaning in feels weird.

My goal is that 2014 will met me full of energy, with a clear idea about what I'm want to do for a living, going for it, sitting at the table and kicking some butt when needed.

Meanwhile I'll work hard enjoying this "sabbatical" (ho ho ho all moms are LOL now) year with my son and my beloved husband (who has been extremely supportive and patient). 

2 comments:

  1. take advantage from your miseries and, enjoy this time as it won't come back. Think that at least: we do have the chance to be able to think about all this things and matters.
    endavant i força, (i perdona per el comentari)

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